Moderate and liberal Christians, unite! Reclaim Jesus, reclaim God, reclaim Christianity from the evangelical Christian Right! Just as Martin Luther nailed his 95 Theses to the door of Wittenberg Castle Chapel in 1517 to speak up against the abusive practice of the sale of indulgences for the forgiveness of sin, so it is time for moderate and liberal Christians alike to speak out against a new set of abuses threatening to undermine the very fabric of Christianity. In other words, it is time for a new set of 95 Theses for the 21st Century: Reclaiming Jesus.

The Ruptured Rapture

May 22, 2011 - 11:01am — todonnell

It’s Sunday morning, May 22, and I’m sitting here at my desktop, pounding away at my keyboard. Which means only one thing. I wasn’t one of the chosen few. I didn’t get carried off in the Rapture. Apparently, my one-way ticket to Heaven was null-and-void. I suffered the eternal rainout with not even a remote possibility of a raincheck. Now all that is left for moi is suffering through the Tribulation.

Damnit, God, how come I didn’t make the cut?

Of course, there is another possibility. Maybe, just maybe, 89-year old self-professed Biblical expert Harold Camping was off on his prediction when he proclaimed 6:00 P. M., Eastern Standard Time as the day of reckoning. Maybe there’s still hope.

Then again, even if he was right, I must be objective. According to Camping, 200,000,000 were to have been “beamed up” or whatever happens to you when you get “raptured.” Even if he was right and that really did happen, I suppose my odds of making the cut weren’t all that great. 200 Million out of 6.7 Billion is a little less than 2 out of 6,000; or 1 out of 3,000; or .000333; or .03% Three one-hundredths of one percent. I must confess, if you put me in a room with 3000 other human beings, even I probably wouldn’t choose myself as the one most deserving to win the lottery. (Imagine if you were the 3001st person. Talk about the old saying, “Close doesn’t count except in horseshoes and hand grenades.”

By the way, did you know that May 21, 2011 was the 7000th anniversary of The Flood. You didn’t? Just ask Harold Camping to run the numbers for you.

Maybe I should have dressed better yesterday. I settled for navy blue cargo shorts, a short-sleeved t-shirt, and my old, dilapidated Birkenstocks. I suppose I could have at least put on a tie.

At least I’m glad I didn’t enter into one of those post-rapture pet care contracts for my dog, Barnabas. What a waste of money that would have been!

Now for the bad news. Now I’ve got to suffer through the Tribulation, not to mention having to mow the lawn; deal with the weeds; paint the shutters; stain the four sections of stockade fencing that my wife has been hounding me about for years; scrape and repaint the trim; polyurethane the kitchen floor, water-seal the deck, etc., etc., etc.

Until 6 P. M. yesterday, I was holding out hope none of that would be necessary.
What a shame God has to be such a vengeful, spiteful, hateful, disgusting God.

Unless, of course, Harold Camping and his Family Radio Network and their $117 Million in contributions received in 2008 are all full of . . . rapture.

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